Greedy Associates - The FindLaw Legal Lifestyle and Career Blog

May 2011 Archives

'I Like Large Breasts,' But Not During Trial, Attorney Motions Court

Chicago lawyer Thomas Gooch, representing a car dealership in a small claims action, filed a motion against his opposing counsel Dmitry Feofanov. The motion was meant to exclude from the plaintiff's table a "large-breasted woman" who is seated next to Feofanov.

That's right. Attorney Thomas Gooch - barred and licensed to practice law - wrote a motion discussing a "large breasted woman." At least he went with a term that sounds a bit more formal instead of the vernacular "big boobs."

Gooch thought that Feofanov was using this busty lady to distract the members of the jury from the case, reports the New York Daily News.

'Don't Tase Me, Bro!' Guy Enrolls in Law School

The "Don't tase me, bro!" guy should change his moniker to "don't Socratic method me, bro!" guy.

Andrew Meyer, 24, made himself famous with those four words when he became a bit excited, agitated - and apparently to the cops, unruly - at a John Kerry forum at this alma mater, the University of Florida.

Meyer graduated from UF in 2008, and instead of going to journalism school (he was a telecommunications major), where he could have done something noble with his life, he enrolled in Florida International University at their law school, reports The Washington Post.

DC Firm Breaks Billable-Hour Mold: No Rainmaking, Office Face Time

Otaku: a Japanese term for a person who stays at home all day, playing video games and surfing the net. Essentially, a hermit, who's only association with the outside world is through online communication.

Ever wanted to be a law firm otaku? You could, if you worked for Clearspire, a new D.C. firm that has an unconventional business strategy that includes virtual home offices and no billable hours.

That's right - Clearspire offers an upfront estimate of the cost of whatever service you request of them, and also gives people the exact details of who will be working on their case. No longer are important deals staffed by lowly first-year associates who are fresh off of memorizing the rule against perpetuities for the bar exam. Instead, the client might actually get someone who is (gasp) able to handle their case competently!

Homeless, Fake Lawyer Offered 'Strategies Most Attorneys Don't Use'

Want to hire a fake lawyer?

Well, of course you wouldn't. But, unfortunately for some well-meaning consumers, they accidentally did. Arnold Newman, Jr. of Washington state is a homeless man who masqueraded as an attorney, soliciting clients via his website that advertised his services.

Newman's company was called "Parents Against Parental Alienation" or PAPA for short. He offered to help clients fight for their children in custody battles on his website, reports the Seattle Post-Intelligencer. Newman, who is homeless, was living out of his car at the time.

Child Prodigy, 15, is Choosing a Law School

So when we see him in court, will Ty Hobson-Powell be old enough to vote?

Ty Hobson-Powell, 15, has just graduated from the University of Baltimore. Now he has to choose between attending law school at Howard, William & Mary or North Carolina Central. All three schools have accepted this teenager for 1L classes this coming fall, reports the Baltimore Sun.

Post-B.A., this surprising young man has set a summer goal of passing his driver's license examination, reports the Sun. One assumes he will not need to attend an expensive review course first.

NJ Firm Hit with Nearly $1M Verdict for Role in Child Abduction

This is a lesson in how to properly carry out your client's wishes.

Or just a good reason for why you should never hold onto client property unless absolutely necessary.

Located in Hackensack (Hacky Sack?), New Jersey, the Lesnevich & Marzano-Lesnevich law firm just got saddled with a $950,000 verdict for releasing a passport to a mother who then took her child to Spain in violation of a custody agreement.

Law Grad Copied Part of His Commencement Speech from YouTube

Have you ever heard of North Carolina Central University?

Eh, whether you've heard of it isn't that important.

What is important is that the school's graduating law students were recently treated to a commencement speech written by a student at Binghamton University in New York.

Their classmate had stolen it from YouTube.

Intercourse, Pa. Judge Hands Out Condoms Hidden in Acorns

Something dirty has happened in Intercourse.

Isaac A. Stoltzfus, 58, a district judge from Intercourse, Pennsylvania, was cited after handing out condoms hidden inside of acorns, reports the AP. He handed out these condom-stuffed nuts to unsuspecting women in the state Capitol complex.

First things first - the "unsuspecting" women should really have suspected something was afoot. Who hands out acorns on the street? And, as a matter of fact, who accepts acorns from strangers?

Most of us have taken the old adage "don't take candy from strangers" to heart. Maybe we should expand that to include "nuts, and nut varieties."

Client Stabs First, then Second Attorneys with Pencils

Have you ever been afraid that one of your clients is going to go all Jason Bourne on you and try to kill you with a ball point pen?

Maybe you should.

No, this is not another ridiculous law school hypothetical. Though, try to IRAC this case: one of your clients has tried - and succeeded - in stabbing you in the neck with the pencil. What result?

Law School Pop Quiz: Recite the Rule Against Perpetuities

No interest is good unless it must vest, if at all, no later than 21 years after some life in being at the creation of the interest.

If you understand this statement, go find yourself a fertile octogenarian to bother. The rest of you? Read on. Apparently the Rule Against Perpetuities is actually a semi-useful tool.

Useful that is, if you, or your client, hate all of your living relatives.

Believed to be one of the richest men in America at the time of his death, the will of Michigan lumber baron Wellington R. Burt was clearly tended to by a well-versed trusts and estates attorney.

46 Years Later, Desegregation Attorney Wants $10 Million in Fees

At what amount would you value 589 days of your life?

What if it was for a good cause, like civil rights?

But what if those days also spanned 46 years and included countless encounters with local politicians and the Department of Justice?

Can't come up with a dollar amount? Well attorney Marion Overton White has an estimate for you--$10 million.

Judge Says Defendant is 'Gayer Than a Sweet Smelling Jock Strap'

All you athletes out there, take out your jock strap. Go ahead and put your nose into it. Take a deep whiff. Smell that?

Judge Philip Kirk of Wisconsin sure does. Demonstrating his knowledge of sweaty undergarments, the judge not only declared that jock straps smell "sweet," but that they are also "gay."

"I think you were born gayer than a sweet smelling jock strap," were his exact words to convicted molester Delton Gorges during his sentencing, reports Fox 6.

Virginia 3L Recants Racial Profiling Claim

University of Virginia 3L Johnathan Perkins made up a zinger of a story recently. He claimed that he was a victim of racially-motivated misconduct at the hands of university police. He even wrote a letter about his experience that was published in the law school's weekly paper, and covered by Above the Law.

Turns out that the entire thing was a lie.

It's official. DLA Piper has overtaken Baker & McKenzie as the biggest dog on the block. The whole block.

We know how much BigLaw loves to rank itself. And after adding DLA Phillps Fox' Australian attorneys, DLA Piper now employs 700 lawyers in the Asia-Pacific region. That's a total of 4,200 lawyers in 76 offices in 30 countries.

Take that Baker.

Judge Orders Law Student, 25, to Leave Parent's Home, Get a Job

Every law student or attorney that is currently riding out the economic downturn from the comfort of her parents' home is well aware that food and shelter are being provided merely out of the goodness of their hearts.

But what if such financial support was a court-ordered requirement? And the law mandated that our parents allow us to wallow in self-pity at their expense?

Well, one litigious and wayward law student has managed to pull it off.

West Coast Law Firms Raising Associate Salaries

High-paid, high-stressed attorneys rejoice:

Struggling associates who were scraping by on lowly six-figure incomes will soon be able to live a bit more comfortably on higher six-figure incomes.

That's right, pay increases are being announced for West Coast associates.

Man Twice Ejaculates into Female Co-Worker's Water Bottle

Most of your clients likely have an LLC or PLLC after their names. Some might be individuals, sure. But its hard to imagine too many clients pulling something as strange and wacky as what Michael Kevin Lallana pulled at his job.

Convicted of two misdemeanor counts of battery for ejaculating into his co-worker's water bottle, an Orange County judge recently sentenced him to 180 days in jail, three years probation, and ordered him to register as a sex offender.

Apparently he just wanted to feel close to his co-worker - twice.

Jury Acquits Man of Stealing 99-Cent Hot Dog

At times, that motion for summary judgment must seem rather petty. But you muscle through it, knowing the case will likely never go before a jury.

But how about the case of the stolen hot dog? It actually did go to trial. And a befuddled jury in Cheney, Washington had to go through the motions of acquitting a man who was accused of stealing a "bronze" German sausage from a local grocery store.

What other kinds of things are juries deciding upon in the state of Washington?