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Even Though You're a Lawyer, You Shouldn't Be an Elitist

How many lawyer jokes are there? Three. The rest are true stories.

It's an oldie but illustrates a point. Many of those jokes are based on a public perception that attorneys are elitists and must be put down or at least humbled. Like the U.S. election results seem to say, 323 million people can't be wrong.

Lawyer jokes are to the profession what gallows humor is to the condemned. Sad but true -- which is what makes them funny. It is society's way of purging a distasteful reality without choking. An attorney says on national television that his murderous client is not guilty as a matter of law (ahem, Dershowitz), and you can almost hear the collective retching.

It was the best of courts, it the worst of courts, it was the age of wisdom, it was the age of foolish-- Actually, scratch that. It was pretty much the worst of times all around in today's tale of two courtrooms.

In our first case of "judges run amok," a Michigan judge is gaining some viral fame after video emerged of him charging from the bench to help tackle a defendant -- while screaming "Tase his ass right now." Meanwhile, just a few states away, his colleague was facing indictment. Former Arkansas Judge Joseph Boeckmann, it seems, was also interested in some defendants' bums, but not in tasing them. Boeckmann is currently facing charges that he blackmailed young men into posing naked for him in exchange for lighter sentences.

Has this election cycle driven you to drink? Don't worry, you're not alone. You can take comfort in knowing that it will all be over soon, though. Tomorrow marks the last presidential debate before voters go to the polls. After the debate, there are less than 20 days until the contest is finally decided. The final debate, however, is particularly relevant for legal professionals, as the Supreme Court is scheduled as one of six topics to be covered.

If the past two debates are any guide, Wednesday's head to head will be a mess. So why not be one yourself? We've put together a handy drinking game to help you out.

What do law professors think about when they're not grilling you on the procedural posture of Palsgraf v. Long Island Railroad? No, they're probably not thinking about how to improve their lecture on proximate cause. (They haven't changed that in 15 years.) And they're definitely not thinking about how great you performed on that cold call.

It turns out, they could be ruminating on B-list celebrities insulting Ann Coulter, or bootlegged videos on Steve Harvey's 90's stand-up routine, or which zoo animal best represents their colleagues. Law students, welcome to the weird world of law professor's on social media.

Who is putting all these #!%&ing curse words into federal appellate opinions? The judges, apparently. According to, the "F word" has appeared in approximately 445 federal appellate opinions in the last ten years.

Of course, the opinions aren't referring to "that F-ing Rule 12(b)(6) motion." Rather, they're quoting, in full, the curse words of parties who have themselves cursed, sometimes even while censuring those parties for their use of obscenity.

Phony Law Firm Scam Used Lawyer Names Found Through Craigslist

Two Florida men have been arrested in connection with a Craigslist scheme which involved using lawyers' names and bar numbers without permission to provide loan modification and foreclosure defense services. Can anyone say "unauthorized practice of law"?

They say that a man who represents himself has a fool for a client and Ryan Bundy seems to agree. Bundy was one of the leaders of the armed occupation of Malheur National Wildlife Refuge last January, an occupation which ending with one occupier dead and Bundy in jail.

Now Bundy is leading his own legal defense. In a filing submitted last Thursday, Bundy claimed that he was "an idiot," and "incompetent," and demanded $100 million to stand trial.

Last week, we wrote about a fight between Donald Trump and Tony Schwartz, co-author to "The Art of the Deal," Trump's famous biography. Here's the story in a nutshell: Schwartz speaks out against Trump, calling him "impulsive and self-centered." Sparks and legal demand letters fly, leading to a pretty entertaining exchange between Trump and Schwartz's lawyers.

Inspired, a reader wrote in to remind us of what could be the best legal response letter ever, the 1974 exchange between a lawyer for the Cleveland Browns and a season-ticket holding attorney who disliked paper airplanes. If you haven't seen this before, you're in for a treat.

FL Lawyer Goes Nuts: Embellishes Nut-Allergy Story, Faces Ethics Charges

Things can get a little juvenile when one plays lawyer for long enough, as this recent Florida incident aptly illustrates. In this case, an attorney falsely accused opposing counsel in a big case of essentially intentionally battering his law clerk with peanuts and pistachios knowing she was allergic to nuts. The problem is, that isn't how it happened at all.

Lan Cai was driving home from her job as a waitress when she was hit by a drunk driver. And, like many car accident victims, Cai, a 20-year-old nursing student in Houston, felt like she needed the help of attorneys afterwards. Enter the Law Offices of Tuan A. Khuu, whose lawyers were so eager to sign Cai up that they allegedly came into her bedroom while she was undressed and sleeping, in order to get her business. But that drive didn't seem to last; in the days following her accident, Cai says her lawyers would not return her calls and even ran off when she came to their office.

Cai eventually retained new counsel, then went online to complain that the attorneys were "super unprofessional" and "pushy." Now, the firm is suing Cai, rather than representing her.