"Tell Me Where the New Summer Line Is. TELL ME WHERE THE NEW SUMMER LINE IS!"

The following took place between 2 a.m. and whenever he sobered up: Kiefer Sutherland, who portrays tough guy Jack Bauer on the hit Fox drama "24", allegedly headbutted fashion designer Jack McCollough outside a New York City nightclub earlier this week.

Sutherland originally claimed that he was coming to the aid of actress Brooke Shields, who McCollough had bumped into, or so Sutherland said. But that story became a little far-fetched, even by "24" plotline standards, after a representative for Shields denied that McCollough had done anything inappropriate, MSNBC reports.

According to MSNBC, McCollough told authorities that Sutherland "was drunk and obnoxious and wouldn't back down or be logical." Oh man, someone's practically begging to end up back at CTU with jumper cables duct-taped to his nipples.

Incident Raises Cable News Hyperbole Threat Level to Orange

We've all been there. One little awkward pause in a conversation and suddenly you're talking about how you wouldn't mind being waterboarded. But when Sean Hannity made that claim on his Fox News show last week, MSNBC host Keith Olbermann jumped on it like, well, like Keith Olbermann jumping on a claim made on a Fox News show.

The issue came up last week when Charles Grodin was a guest on Fox's "Hannity" program, discussing interrogation of suspected terrorists and the controversy over the waterboarding technique. According to the Associated Press, Grodin asked Hannity whether he would allow himself to be waterboarded. Hannity responded "Sure," and said he'd do it "for the troops' families." Right, because watching a television host giggling in a bath tub on a Manhattan soundstage should make up for the whole overseas combat duty thing.

Try to Spell 'Justice' Without a 'T', Fool!

When it comes to celebrities and the brushes with government that all citizens face, there are some things that are hard to picture, like Prince standing in line at the DMV. But the city of Chicago was robbed of a civic duty match made in heaven on Monday, when Mr. T reported for jury duty, only to be passed over by the judge.

Mr. T showed up in the halls of Chicago's Cook County Criminal Court in camouflage pants, sounding like a public service announcement you might have heard during a prime-time commercial break in 1985, telling gatherers: "It's not about 'The A-Team', it's the J-Team -- the jury team," according to the Chicago Sun-Times.

Henley Puts Recording of "The Eagles Greatest Hits: In Pig-Latin!" On Hold to File Lawsuit

Don Henley, songwriter and founding member of The Eagles, has filed a lawsuit against Chuck DeVore, over the U.S. Senate candidate's uniquely crappy spin on the crappy 1984 song "All She Wants to Do Is Dance."

DeVore, who is vying for Barbara Boxer's U.S. Senate seat, pokes fun at Boxer by re-working the tune as "All She Wants to Do Is Tax" (see lyrics from DeVore's parody on his website).

Network Hoping "The Hair" Plus Jungle Humidity Equals Ratings Gold

NBC has apparently reached a tentative deal with Rod Blagojevich to have the painfully shy former Illinois governor appear as a cast member on "I'm a Celebrity... Get Me Out of Here," or "Who the @#*! is That?", as the show is known informally.

The Chicago Tribune is reporting that Blagojevich would get paid $80,000 per week to appear on the reality show, which is set to start taping on June 1 in the Costa Rican jungle. Blagojevich would join the hollow halls of former "I'm a Celebrity" cast members like "Downtown" Julie Brown, "Stuttering" John Melendez, and Chris "Not a Judd Sister" Judd.

How Much for Macaulay Culkin?

It's the end of an eccentric and vaguely creepy era: Michael Jackson is selling thousands of items from his Neverland Ranch at a Beverly Hills auction set to kick off next week.

Items that can be yours for the right price include a life-size Lego model of Darth Vader, an ice cream cart, and a painting of Jackson as an Elizabethan nobleman, according to the New York Times, which reports that the auction is being held in a former department store due to the size of the collection.

There were legal wranglings earlier this month between Jackson and Julien's Auction House, the company overseeing the sale. The singer had claimed that the auction company had "effectively stolen" his property, as BBC News reports. But the auction is now a go. The N.Y. Times quotes Darren Julien, president of Julien's: "We've recreated Neverland." 

In that case, we'd suggest taking the commission from the sale of E.T.'s poop and finding a good lawyer.    

• N.Y. Times: Shuttering Neverland: Michael Jackson's Effects Go to Auction 
• BBC News: Jackson Sale 'Still Taking Place'
• L.A. Times: Michael Jackson Auction Features Off-the-Wall Items
• Washington Post: Gallery of the Michael Jackson Auction  

'I Went to Malawi and All I Got Was This Stupid T-Shirt'

Madonna's bid to adopt a second child from the African country of Malawi was turned away today by that nation's High Court. According to Reuters, the ruling is good news for Malawians who felt that Madonna received special treatment when she was allowed to adopt a 13-month-old boy in 2006. 

Reports that the Material Girl's Plan B included an attempt at adopting the Honorable (and reportedly downright adorable) Judge Chombo were apparently just rumors.