Where are you now, Morty and Helen Seinfeld? Having famously defended the rights of senior citizens to shoplift batteries and other things that seem to need constant replacement, Jerry's fictional TV parents might enjoy the story of Ella Orko, who, according to the Chicago Sun-Times, got sentenced Monday to time served -- two days -- after her arrest for shoplifting at a Chicago grocery store on August 2.

Thing is, she wasn't exactly a naive first-timer. Authorities say that the 86-year-old has a petty-crime history going back half a century, beginning with her first shoplifting arrest back in 1956. In total, Orko has been pinched 61 times, and convicted on more than a dozen occasions.

Amateur Shoplifting Effort Leaves a Bad Taste


The perps had made off with four bottles of wine last week, among them a 1945 Chateau Mouton Rothschild -- a bottle worth an estimated $20,000 after esteemed wine critic Robert Parker scored the vintage a perfect 100, while lamenting that he couldn't go any higher.

The Mouton Rothschild made it back into the hands of police after an anonymous tipster recognized one of the thieves in a security video, though no arrests have yet been made.

So who were these dastardly wine purloiners?

He's Probably Glad He Held Onto That Get Out Of Jail Free Card

A Michigan man who just wanted to take a walk on the Boardwalk instead skipped right past Go and off to jail last week. According to the Detroit Free Press, Kenneth Reppke allegedly assaulted his Monopoly opponent when she wouldn't part with Boardwalk and Park Place, hitting her in the head and breaking her glasses. There is no official word on what Reppke was offering in the deal, but let's face it, if it was anything less than all three oranges and a fat stack of hundreds, he should probably feel lucky that she didn't hit him.

Raging against the diabolical turns of luck in a typical game is, of course, a time-honored if unsanctioned Monopoly tradition, right up there with the Free Parking bonus. But you don't often hear of a tantrum rising to a level requiring police intervention. Perhaps Reppke was already staring at a board full of opponents' houses and hotels, while he coaxed a meager income out of the dark purples and one utility.

No Amount of Hot Air Can Get a Bad Idea Off the Ground

The Hindenburg wasn't an unmanned, 13-foot long, remote-controlled zeppelin. And it wasn't on its way to aiding a prison escape attempt when it crashed. You can't get chills from an eerie absence of similarity, so let's just call this a personal disaster for one imprisoned drug trafficker.

Spanish police officials announced last week that they had foiled an elaborately unsuccessful escape attempt at a Canary Islands prison, involving an Italian prisoner they are calling "Giulio B".

The 52 year-old Giulio was in jail after he was caught transporting over 400 pounds of cocaine in a seaplane, the kind of aircraft that made little Tattoo tug on the sleeve of Mr. Roarke's tuxedo on Fantasy Island.

It's a Sexually Explicit Day in the Neighborhood

On the Neighborhood Curmudgeon Growth Chart, there's a clear pattern: the older they are, the less subtle their displays of intolerance. Michael Buck of Pennsylvania is only 27 years old, but that added up to about 135 in Neighborhood Curmudgeon Years, after he was arrested for using loud porn to keep his neighbors' kids away from his house.

Buck didn't like all the rampant playing and bike-riding taking place on his "cul-de-sac", which is actually French for "bottom of the bag", a term that best describes the depths Buck lowered himself to in finally driving the kids away.

"Hey Dad, I Think There's Something Wrong With My New Hooker"

When a London father decided that his 14 year-old son deserved a present, he skipped the child's play of an Xbox 360 and drove straight to the red-light district of Nottingham, where he told the kid to pick out a prostitute. Like a Child Protective Services version of the old "How Much is That Doggy in the Window?" song, the boy pressed his nose against the passenger-side window glass and chose a hooker to take home.

But when the father pulled over to work out the fine print, he found out the hard way that his young son has a lot to learn when it comes to discerning an undercover cop from an actual prostitute. Dad was arrested by plainclothes officers and charged with soliciting a woman for sex with a child, Reuters reports.

"I Wish I Knew How to Quit Booze"

If horses dream, they probably see themselves sprinting down the home stretch and winning the Kentucky Derby as 50-to-1 long shots, as Mine That Bird did on Saturday. If they have nightmares, they're probably about ending up like the two horses in Georgia that last week had to try to keep the jostling to a minimum, so that an evening's worth of Pabst and corndogs didn't end up in their manes.

Gregory Cooley and Jeffrey Owen of Tunnel Hill, Georgia were arrested last week and booked for driving under the influence after riding their horses on a highway while legally drunk, according to WTVC-Chattanooga. "Even their ticket shows the make of the 'vehicle' as a baymare and the style as a horse," the news station reports.

Neighboring Townhomes Hold Still Just Long Enough for Drunk Man's Marksmanship to Impress Drunk Woman

A Minnesota man has been arrested for using a powerful compound bow to fire arrows into the sides of his neighbors' houses. According to local police and prosecutors, the act was fueled by that timeless recipe for success that lurks behind most landmark achievements: alcohol and the desire to impress a woman.

According to the Associated Press, Kyle Kenneth Fletcher's female friend told police that the pair had been up drinking all night before Fletcher took his bow and arrow onto the deck of his Burnsville townhome to "play Rambo," by firing arrows into the siding of other homes in his housing complex. Minnesota's Pioneer Press adds that, according to the Dakota County prosecutor's charges, Fletcher appeared "extremely intoxicated" when questioned, "as did his female friend."

The 30-year-old Fletcher was charged with felony first-degree criminal damage to property. Sounds like someone also had their heart stolen on that townhouse deck, but she's not pressing charges.

• AP: Minn. Man Charged After Playing 'Rambo' with Bow
• Pioneer Press: 'Playing Rambo' with Bow and Arrow Ends with Arrest of Burnsville Man
• Criminal Law Center (FindLaw)