As Mother's Day looms closer, you may feel the need to take stock of just how well you've raised your kids. Have they always been perfect? Probably not. But they're probably decent enough to buy a card or make a short phone call on Sunday, right?
If not, just remember that it could be worse. Not only could your children have made your life infinitely more difficult up until this point, they could have made this list. So take pride in the fact that your little ones don't even come close to being one of the worst kids of the year.
1. Juice box stabber. This unnamed 5-year-old is accused of stabbing three family members over a juice box. His mom disputes the motive, but admits that he took a knife to two cousins and an aunt. She also told local reporters that he's always been prone to outbursts.
If your kids never threatened you with a knife, you win.
2. Kathryn & Steven Miner. These two siblings are the epitome of ungrateful. In 2008, they sued their mom, accusing her of ruining their posh Chicago childhood. They spent 2011 defending the suit in an appeals court. They say their mom set curfews! She made them wear seat belts! And (gasp), she enforced a party dress budget!
If your kids haven't yet sued you for setting boundaries, you win.
3. Jessica Rodriguez. This 22-year-old concocted a fake international kidnapping scheme so she could visit her fugitive boyfriend in Mexico. She even called her mom with the news. The entire ruse was an immature attempt to avoid mom's side-eye -- she doesn't approve of the man in her daughter's life.
If your kids keep their secret liaisons in the country, you get a point. If they've never dated a fugitive, go ahead and give yourself another.
4. Disrespected teen. This 15-year-old called 911 to report her mom's loud sex. According to the police report, she "stated that there was no form of abuse or neglect in the house but she only felt disrespected."
If your kids haven't reported your nighttime activities, give yourself a point. You've taught them discretion -- and the beauty of placing a pillow over one's head.
5. Scott Bennett. Some people never grow up, including this 45-year-old man. He published a fake obituary for his living mother in order to get paid time off. The worst part? He actually thought no one would notice that his mom wasn't actually dead. They did.
If your kids haven't yet faked your death, pat yourself on the back. You're really not as embarrassing as they make you out to be.