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Who is the "Yale poopetrator"? Yale University police are hot on the heels of a serial laundry-tamperer who is pooping and peeing all over students' laundry.
Considering how much effort it takes to do laundry -- let alone for silver spoon-fed ivy league college students -- this is truly the crappiest prank to pull.
Yale Police have opened an official investigation. But will the po-pos catch the poopetrator?
The Rise of The Poopetrator
Students coined the unknown culprit or culprits "the poopetrator" after fellow student Lucy Fleming's clothes were crapped on while in the laundry room's dryer on Sept. 7, according to the Yale Daily News.
Incidents involving urine and food waste were reported the previous day. A further incident was reported Sept. 26.
Pooping Is Against the Law -- Sometimes
As we all know, everyone poops. But everyone doesn't always poop lawfully.
In this case, it seems Charmin Ultra didn't cut it for the poopetrator, who needed some extra soft Downy to get his or her bowels going.
Though we all appreciate the slight absurdity and hilarity of taking a dump on some rich kid's Tory Burch swag, it's against the law to willfully destroy, alter or deface someone else's property. To do so is to commit an act of vandalism.
From spray paint to "Mountain Dew mist" and the "human mudslide," some states have laws that prohibit specific acts of vandalism, such as using "man-made substances" to destroy property.
If the poopetrator is having regularity issues, he or she should really consider swapping the laundry for Activia. Those probiotics work wonders --
Kristin Wiig Jamie Lee Curtis said so!
The Horror, The Horror
"The fact that this could happen at Yale is shocking to me," poop victim Fleming told the Daily News. "Think about what this means for our community."
FYI, Fleming: While you sort your soiled laundry, the city of New Haven has a few poverty and violent crime issues to "sort out," too.
With The Poopetrator suspect at large, maybe The Privileges could use a silver spoonful of Xanax?