The CIA cafeteria is a strange mix of beef stroganoff and secrets. But some of that incredibly valuable information has been leaked ... sort of.
No it wasn't a double agent, some loose-lipped informant, or even Edward Snowden. Rather, this juicy cafeteria info came after a regular ol' Freedom of Information Act (FOIA) request: from a government agency, care of a government information protocol.
So, thanks to a website called Muckrock, we present to you seven of the most pressing issues facing America ... if you eat at the CIA's cafeteria, that is:
1. 'Pepsi Coming Out of the Regular Pepsi Spout Is Diet Pepsi.'
Imagine you're ready to enjoy a calorie-rich Pepsi and bam! You get a fizzy strawful of fraud. Looks like at the CIA, even diet sodas are undercover.
2. 'Shortage of Almonds for the Breakfast Cereals.'
How can you even eat oatmeal or Cream of Wheat without almonds? Is this Soviet Russia? The complainant rightly points out that "whomever [sic] is responsible" should "note the level of usage and increase the almond purchases/supplies as appropriate."
3. 'Friday Breakfast Kielbasa.'
Sure Obamacare has its critics, but what about the "Friday Breakfast Kielbasa" at the CIA cafeteria? Put out even one "bad batch" after years of successful sausage deployment, and you'll hear about it.
4. '1/4 White Chicken Platter.'
While Whole Foods was caught fudging the weight of many of its self-serve items, one CIA cafeteria-goer was too smart to fall for a similar ruse. Shouldn't a quarter chicken include one whole breast? It seems someone was lining his or her pockets with chicken money.
5. 'Beef Stroganoff More American Than Russian.'
The CIA is an international intelligence agency, so it should have more insight into Russia's culinary secrets than beef stroganoff, no? The Iron Curtain must be no match for the Iron Recipe Book.
6. 'Jazz Salad' Not As Advertised.
Nothing evokes the jazz era like a cafeteria salad in a government building. But those Coltrane riffs and bebop swings evaporate the second you find out the "jazz salad" has cherry tomatoes instead of grapes. Who knows, those tiny tomatoes may be contaminated too.
7. Cafeteria Doesn't Accept Credit or Debit Cards.
It's perfectly legal for merchants to pass on the cost of credit card processing to you via surcharges, but apparently not in the CIA cafeteria (or, at least not in 2011 when this particular complaint was lodged).
Still hungry for inside info? Remember, anyone can make a FOIA request, but you may have to wait a few years to savor the results.