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The brave city council of Beaver Dam, Wisconsin responded swiftly and decisively to the scourge of kangaroo service animals in the town.
After a woman brazenly took her therapy kangaroo into a McDonald's in February, the city was thrown into a crisis over which species can be used as service animals. By categorically limiting service animals to dogs and mini horses, Beaver Dam has saved an untold number of lives and potentially millions, if not billions, of dollars.
According to Beaver Dam police, a woman dared to wrap a baby kangaroo in a blanket and tuck it into an infant car seat before walking into the restaurant, sending the small town's legal system, notions of moral decency, and basic understanding of right and wrong into utter chaos.
What would come next? Assistance pigs? Therapeutic Iguanas? A "goat for muscular dystrophy and parrots for psychosis?" Despite the woman's claim the adorable baby marsupial help her cope with emotional distress, Beaver Dam's leadership knew this calming influence could open a Pandora's Box (Noah's Ark?) of animal anarchy onto the town.
The city council had to act quickly, but how? Where could principled public servants draw the line between honorable guide dogs and disreputable therapy alpacas?
That's when intrepid City Attorney Maryann Schacht (probably) googled the Americans with Disabilities Act (ADA) requirements for service animals, which stipulate that only dogs and mini horses can be service animals. Fortified with this newfound confidence and legal underpinning, the intrepid city council voted unanimously to define service animals as dogs and creepy, creepy miniature horses.
Beaver Dam residents can now sleep easy, knowing their town is safe from rampaging baby kangaroos, and that only the most loyal and housebroken mini horses will grace the booths of local fast-food restaurants.