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To what lengths must a man go to be banned from ordering pizza? What must he do to never get delivery again? How bad must he be for a judge to write: "Defendant shall refrain from calling any pizza establishment... or his bond shall be revoked?"
Randy Riddle, resident of Sebastian, Florida, plumbed those depths recently, and now must live a pie-less life, devoid of anchovies, all the meat a meat-lover would love, and cheese-injected crusts; a life so empty, only a two-foot-long Big Flavor Dipper could fill it. Riddle me this, Mr. Riddle: what did you do to deserve such a fate?
When the Moon Hits Your Eye...
Four counts of harassing phone calls, two counts of first-degree petty theft, and one count of second-degree petty theft. Those are just the most recent charges against Mr. Riddle, and they somehow fail to do his behavior justice. According to the Treasure Coast Palm:
In a three-week period, police said Riddle made orders and refused to pay for them, directed delivery people to fake or vacant addresses, and made calls to the businesses just to tell them their pizza was gross.
Riddle used five different phone numbers between May 30 and June 18 for the calls. He sometimes used a false name; other times, he refused to leave his name.
That's not good. Apparently Mr. Riddle was also calling Sebastian police, Sebastian City Hall, and the state Department of Health with his pizza complaints. City officials characterized Mr. Riddle's behavior as harassing and belligerent, and local pizza establishments -- TJ's Pizza and Danny's Pizza among them -- reportedly lost $667 in unpaid-for pizza.
Mr. Riddle was arrested earlier this month and is currently free on bond. That freedom, of course, is predicated on him ending his habitual phone harassment of our sacred pizza institutions.
Will he be able to abide by these onerous restrictions? Probably not. Police told the Palm Mr. Riddle was convicted of making harassing phone calls eight years ago when he lived in Vero Beach -- which indicates that this might be a habit that's hard to break.
In the interest of health, safety, and well-being for all those involved, we recommend Mr. Riddle start dining on DiGiorno instead.