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"My supervisor and I have verified that New Mexico is a state."

Not exactly what you expect to hear from a marriage clerk. Perhaps from a middle schooler clowning around in a geography class, but not a civil servant in our nation's capital. But that's apparently what Gavin Clarkson was told after a back-and-forth with a D.C. Marriage Bureau clerk last month that included the clerk asking to see Clarkson's "New Mexico passport."

Oof.

Look, we're not saying the New York Jets are a good football team or even an above-average one. The team hasn't made the playoffs since 2010, and has been the butt of jokes for years. In fact, you probably shouldn't ever watch the Jets -- not if they show up on ESPN highlowlights; not if they're playing against your favorite team; not even if you've been a lifelong fan.

What we are saying is that, from a strictly legal standpoint, "I drank too much because the Jets suck!" is not going to get you out of a DUI conviction.

In the United States, we normally have a clear separation of powers: the legislative branch makes the laws, the judicial branch interprets them, and the executive branch enforces them. But every now and then, when one branch isn't around to help, another has to step in. Or, in this case, run down.

Absent any help from a court bailiff or sheriff's officers, Judge R.W. Buzzard leapt from behind his bench during a court hearing, ripped off his judicial robe, and chased after two handcuffed inmates as they tried to make their escape. And he nabbed one of them.

We're living in the information age, and there is probably no bigger online information-sharing forum than Facebook. So it was that Springfield resident Dustin Barnes, a knowledgeable man with vital knowledge to share, took to Facebook to instruct others in the modern art of ankle monitor removal.

"This is how you take an ankle bracelet off," Barnes elucidated in a Facebook video already viewed by thousands, "without breaking the circuit." And while uploading educational materials to the internet might not be a crime itself, tampering with electronic monitoring equipment is a felony in the state of Missouri. Thus, our learned lecturer was arrested.

"If the murder is supposed to set me free," the old saying goes, "I certainly don't want to spend any time in jail."

Actually, that's not an old saying. It was Nancy Crampton Brophy in an essay entitled "How to Murder Your Husband." That was seven years ago. More recently, Brophy has been charged with actually killing her husband Daniel, who was found gunned down in a kitchen at the Oregon Culinary Institute this summer.

There's a fine line between utilitarianism and theft. On the one side, you have some unused resources going to waste when they could be used to help others. On the other, you have a guy breaking into his dead neighbor's apartment, making off with some cash, batteries, a coffee mug, and a debit card.

A utilitarian might say that it's a good thing that the deceased's financial assets are used to feed and support the living. Then again, law enforcement might charge you with breaking and entering and theft after buying over $7,000 worth of bad pizza and not reporting your neighbor's death.

We hear all the time about the virtues of taking control of your destiny, starting your own business, being your own boss, etc. -- real rags-to-riches glory. And then when you go out on your own and start dealing drugs out of the drive thru window you installed on your mobile home, next thing you know the cops are showing up and raining on your parade.

That's what happened to enterprising entrepreneurs William Parrish Jr. and McKenzee Dobbs, of Ocala, Florida. And where was their small business award?

Beware, millennials -- the brands are seizing your means of communication. Or trying to at least. Procter & Gamble Company has apparently filed for trademarks on all our favorite sentences: LOL, WTF, and NBD.

FML.

It seems that every time a bounce house is inflated, it's bouncing away with toddlers inside. And our inflatable water slides are being shut down by federal consumer safety commissions. But we just can't stop blowing air into things and making them huge.

"There's nothing better than seeing a little kid walk into a giant pumpkin," Halloween Express owner Jon Majdoch told the Journal Sentinel. "They're just in awe." That was reason enough for Majdoch to forego the classic storefront and instead request a custom-made inflatable pumpkin in which to house his temporary costume shop; an inflatable pumpkin that collapsed, flooding the store, damaging goods inside, and leaving Majdoch unable to sell costumes and masks for two weeks leading up to Halloween last year. That tragedy kicked off some serious insurance litigation involving Majdoch's company and the manufacturer of the inflatable pumpkin.

Fifteen years as a lunch lady can be rough. The orthopedic shoes, hairnet, and plastic gloves; after a while, the reheated Salisbury steak doesn't get the same slice of love. But for a pair of sisters working at a pair of Connecticut public schools, the financial "perks" may have made up for all the abuse they were getting from the pepperoni pizza, liver and onions, chocolate pudding, chop suey, garlic bread, and green beans, not to mention the shouting kids.

Joanne Pascarelli and Marie Wilson allegedly skimmed half a million dollars from their lunchrooms over the past decade and a half. That's a whole lot of hoagies and grinders, navy beans, and meatloaf sandwiches.