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Sales, no matter what you're selling, are a tough racket. You need a great product, great pitch, and a great sales team. And it helps if you have a "closer" on that team -- someone who can come in late and seal the deal. It also helps if that closer is a former stripper and she's giving lap dances in clubs to your doctor clients to get them to prescribe more of your opioids.

That accusation was lobbed at Sunrise Lee, a former regional sales director for Insys Therapeutics, and was made during court testimony involving federal racketeering charges against Lee and four other Insys executives. Fun!

Most of us know what we're getting with a veggie or "garden" burger. Tofurky? Not that confusing. After all, the makers of vegetarian animal flesh alternatives would have a tough time reaching their target audience if those alternatives sounded too much like the real thing.

Still, the State of Missouri wants to save you from trying to eat meat and eating a plant instead. State lawmakers passed a bill that prohibits "misrepresenting a product as meat that is not derived from harvested production livestock or poultry." And if you call non-meat "meat," you could be facing a year in jail and a $2,000 fine.

"My supervisor and I have verified that New Mexico is a state."

Not exactly what you expect to hear from a marriage clerk. Perhaps from a middle schooler clowning around in a geography class, but not a civil servant in our nation's capital. But that's apparently what Gavin Clarkson was told after a back-and-forth with a D.C. Marriage Bureau clerk last month that included the clerk asking to see Clarkson's "New Mexico passport."

Oof.

Look, we're not saying the New York Jets are a good football team or even an above-average one. The team hasn't made the playoffs since 2010, and has been the butt of jokes for years. In fact, you probably shouldn't ever watch the Jets -- not if they show up on ESPN highlowlights; not if they're playing against your favorite team; not even if you've been a lifelong fan.

What we are saying is that, from a strictly legal standpoint, "I drank too much because the Jets suck!" is not going to get you out of a DUI conviction.

In the United States, we normally have a clear separation of powers: the legislative branch makes the laws, the judicial branch interprets them, and the executive branch enforces them. But every now and then, when one branch isn't around to help, another has to step in. Or, in this case, run down.

Absent any help from a court bailiff or sheriff's officers, Judge R.W. Buzzard leapt from behind his bench during a court hearing, ripped off his judicial robe, and chased after two handcuffed inmates as they tried to make their escape. And he nabbed one of them.

We're living in the information age, and there is probably no bigger online information-sharing forum than Facebook. So it was that Springfield resident Dustin Barnes, a knowledgeable man with vital knowledge to share, took to Facebook to instruct others in the modern art of ankle monitor removal.

"This is how you take an ankle bracelet off," Barnes elucidated in a Facebook video already viewed by thousands, "without breaking the circuit." And while uploading educational materials to the internet might not be a crime itself, tampering with electronic monitoring equipment is a felony in the state of Missouri. Thus, our learned lecturer was arrested.

"If the murder is supposed to set me free," the old saying goes, "I certainly don't want to spend any time in jail."

Actually, that's not an old saying. It was Nancy Crampton Brophy in an essay entitled "How to Murder Your Husband." That was seven years ago. More recently, Brophy has been charged with actually killing her husband Daniel, who was found gunned down in a kitchen at the Oregon Culinary Institute this summer.

There's a fine line between utilitarianism and theft. On the one side, you have some unused resources going to waste when they could be used to help others. On the other, you have a guy breaking into his dead neighbor's apartment, making off with some cash, batteries, a coffee mug, and a debit card.

A utilitarian might say that it's a good thing that the deceased's financial assets are used to feed and support the living. Then again, law enforcement might charge you with breaking and entering and theft after buying over $7,000 worth of bad pizza and not reporting your neighbor's death.

We hear all the time about the virtues of taking control of your destiny, starting your own business, being your own boss, etc. -- real rags-to-riches glory. And then when you go out on your own and start dealing drugs out of the drive thru window you installed on your mobile home, next thing you know the cops are showing up and raining on your parade.

That's what happened to enterprising entrepreneurs William Parrish Jr. and McKenzee Dobbs, of Ocala, Florida. And where was their small business award?

Beware, millennials -- the brands are seizing your means of communication. Or trying to at least. Procter & Gamble Company has apparently filed for trademarks on all our favorite sentences: LOL, WTF, and NBD.

FML.