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Look, we're not saying the New York Jets are a good football team or even an above-average one. The team hasn't made the playoffs since 2010, and has been the butt of jokes for years. In fact, you probably shouldn't ever watch the Jets -- not if they show up on ESPN highlowlights; not if they're playing against your favorite team; not even if you've been a lifelong fan.

What we are saying is that, from a strictly legal standpoint, "I drank too much because the Jets suck!" is not going to get you out of a DUI conviction.

Man Sues to Lower Age by 20 Years

Dismayed by the Tinder prospects for a 69 year old male, Emile Ratelband, a resident of the Netherlands, has petitioned the court to allow him to legally lower his age by 20 years. According to his reasoning, "We live in a time when you can change your name and change your gender. Why can't I decide my own age?" Though this seems utterly laughable, perhaps it is an interesting philosophical debate to have over a beer or two.

There's a fine line between utilitarianism and theft. On the one side, you have some unused resources going to waste when they could be used to help others. On the other, you have a guy breaking into his dead neighbor's apartment, making off with some cash, batteries, a coffee mug, and a debit card.

A utilitarian might say that it's a good thing that the deceased's financial assets are used to feed and support the living. Then again, law enforcement might charge you with breaking and entering and theft after buying over $7,000 worth of bad pizza and not reporting your neighbor's death.

Todd Standing, director of "Discovering Bigfoot", has little doubt about the existence of a sasquatch, or some hominoid or primate type of species living within British Columbia. The Canadian court system, however, is not similarly convinced. B.C. Supreme Court Justice Kenneth Ball dismissed Standing's lawsuit against the province, asking for a declaration that sasquatch exists and alleging a "dereliction of duty, in regard to recognizing and protecting the Sasquatch species."

The court also dismissed Standing's claims that the government's nonrecognition of bigfoot infringed on the cryptozoologist's "fundamental human rights."

Beware, millennials -- the brands are seizing your means of communication. Or trying to at least. Procter & Gamble Company has apparently filed for trademarks on all our favorite sentences: LOL, WTF, and NBD.

FML.

Fifteen years as a lunch lady can be rough. The orthopedic shoes, hairnet, and plastic gloves; after a while, the reheated Salisbury steak doesn't get the same slice of love. But for a pair of sisters working at a pair of Connecticut public schools, the financial "perks" may have made up for all the abuse they were getting from the pepperoni pizza, liver and onions, chocolate pudding, chop suey, garlic bread, and green beans, not to mention the shouting kids.

Joanne Pascarelli and Marie Wilson allegedly skimmed half a million dollars from their lunchrooms over the past decade and a half. That's a whole lot of hoagies and grinders, navy beans, and meatloaf sandwiches.

Planet Fitness posts quite a few signs and slogans on its walls, designed to encourage gym-goers and set the tone for workouts. Messages like "You Belong," "No Gymtimidation," and "No Critics" adorn the interior of many Planet Fitness locations, but not all of the gym's members adhere to those mantras.

When confronted with a naked man doing yoga, some members of a Plaistow New Hampshire Planet Fitness called the cops. And when 34-year-old Eric Stagno was arrested for said naked yoga, he told those cops he thought the gym was a "judgment free zone."

The Declaration of Independence, as the ratification of the thirteen American colonies' war against Great Britain, was seen as an act of treason at the time. And while the phrase "hate speech" wasn't in common parlance in the late 1700s, the Declaration certainly employed some inflammatory language -- that was the whole point.

Almost 250 years later, the Declaration of Independence, hate speech, and treason all came together on the most likely place: Facebook, of course.

As the Advocate in Baton Rouge put it in January, when a local police chief's wife was spotted behind the wheel of his patrol car in the annual Christmas parade, it led to a few raised eyebrows. When she pulled up to the French Settlement Police Station in February, turned her headlights out, and allegedly attempted to run into an investigating officer before fleeing the scene, it led to DUI, speeding, and driving with a suspended license charges.

As the Advocate was careful to point out when reporting the latter incident, however: "She was not driving a patrol car at the time of her arrest."

Alex Malarkey was just five years old when he was paralyzed in a car accident with his father, Kevin. Alex spent two months in a coma in 2004, and after waking up, allegedly recounted a tale of being taken through the gates of Heaven, meeting angels, and talking to Jesus and the devil before returning to life.

Kevin apparently sold the story to Tyndale House Publishers, which published "The Boy Who Came Back From Heaven," which, to date, has sold over one million copies. Alex, however, has recanted that version of events, and has never seen a dime from the book sales. Now 19 years old and living solely off Social Security, he is suing Tyndale House, claiming appropriation of likeness, invasion of privacy, exploitation of a person with a disability, and defamation.