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When it comes to indecent exposure, does size matter? According to one Florida man, it does. Stephen Van Alphen's (pretty sad) defense: his p-stick is "too small" to be seen by anyone.
I think we all know who his BFF probably is. Poor guy.
Indecent Exposure of Tiny Tools
After Van Alphen, 46, was arrested for going commando in his neighborhood in a poncho -- his self-proclaimed "Clint Eastwood poncho" -- he offered to show his genitals to deputies saying, "[i]t is too small for anyone to see it anyway," according to United Press International.
But before Van Alphen could show the cops his smoking gun -- or more accurately, his pocket pistol -- officers arrested him for indecent exposure.
Like most other states, you can be charged with indecent exposure in Florida when you intentionally show your privates in public view.
Just to clarify: Size doesn't matter. As long as it's big enough to be seen even a little bit, that's enough.
Florida state laws categorize indecent exposure as a first degree misdemeanor. A conviction may result in a sentence of imprisonment for up to one year, a fine in an amount up to $1,000, or both.
Lack of Intent to Flash His Mini-Meat
Van Alphen could ditch his sad "this dong is too dang small" defense and instead argue that he had a lack of lascivious, lewd, or vulgar intent.
But that may also be a tough sell. Even before prancing around in his very breathable poncho, Van Alphen accidentally exposed himself while drunkenly doing a "ninja move" in front of a six-year-old, reports UPI.
I think we all know who his other BFF is.
Technically, our Napoleon Dynamite could argue that he lacked vulgar intent. Van Alphen sported the au naturel look and the poncho because he was playing cowboys and Indians.
"I was the naked redskin and the poncho-ed cowboy at the same time," he said, reports UPI.
Poorly dressed with a petite pecker and racist? What a catch!
If only he hadn't stepped out in public after taking a swig (or ten) of his gallon bottle of vodka. Van Alphen: to give you and your little friend a fighting chance in this world of impressive girth, lay off the booze.