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Deadlocked Supreme Court Cancels Rest of Term

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By Casey C. Sullivan, Esq. on April 01, 2016 10:18 AM

In a surprising and unprecedented move today, a divided and increasingly deadlocked Supreme Court announced that it was canceling the rest of the October 2015 Term. The announcement revealed a Court frustrated by a series of evenly-divided decisions, unable to reach a viable majority on some of the nation's most important cases.

Speaking from the Supreme Court steps, Chief Justice Roberts said that, while the Court values its constitutional role, continuing on with just eight justices was "an exercise is Sisyphean futility and, frankly, we have better things to do."

The Justices React

When confronted by reporters as they left 1 First Street, the justices displayed a range of emotions. Justice Ginsburg was perhaps the most exasperated by the turn of events. When stopped in the Court parking lot, she was noticeably flustered, her face red and her jabot uncharacteristically off-kilter. Justice Ginsburg told reporters, "I'm not wasting another moment dealing with Kennedy's indecisive B.S.," then declined to answer any more questions.

Justice Alito, who joined the Chief Justice on the Court steps, told the public that the change was "regrettable, but inevitable," given the current political climate. "We have full confidence that the Court will be able to resume its operations normally next October," Alito said. When asked if the Court regretted putting off the few remaining oral arguments, he responded with uncharacteristic candor. "Really? You guys know those don't mean anything, right?"

Justice Thomas Rejoices, Garland Mourns

Of course, not all the justices were upset by the news. Justice Thomas was spotted skipping from the Court to his car, wearing a sun visor and Hawaiian shirt. "I'm going on vacation!" he hollered. According to his chief clerk, Justice Thomas and his wife Ginny will spend the remainder of the term camping in the nation's Walmart parking lots, their favorite summer activity.

The first stop: the Alexandria, Virginia Walmart Supercenter, which will allow the justice to get a start on his parking lot camping while still attending by dedication of the Antonin Scalia School of Law later this month.

Merrick Garland, whose nomination to the Supreme Court has been stalled for weeks due to political infighting, could not be reached for comment. However, several D.C. insiders have reported that Garland spent the morning locked inside his D.C. Circuit chambers, where the Bonnie Raitt's "I Can't Make You Love Me" echoed through the halls, for hours, only partially covering the sound of his tears.

Editor's Note: Of course, we kid. Merrick Garland's favorite singer-to-cry-to is Adele, just like everyone else. Happy April Fool's Day!

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